WOW!!

I haven’t been on here in a while, but I’ll explain why…..

I started a weight loss program called Medi-Weight loss and you are physician supervised once a week because it is a very restrictive diet (500 - 750 calories a day of protein and 1 cup of veggies and 1 cup a fruit a day) and you are also on diet pills called Phentermine.  I did so well on it.  I lost 18 pounds in 3 weeks!  My blood pressure went down a lot, which was good because I had borderline high BP. 

So I started my period on November 19^th and started the diet on November 30^th.  On Saturday December 18^th I had a little spotting of brownish color and assumed it was my period coming. I was waiting on my period to start the rest of that day and it never did.  When I woke up Sunday I was waiting all day for it and it still never came.  My little sister had a piano recital before we went to Mass that day and so I thought I would take a pregnancy test(First Response) before we left (with me being on those diet pills I wanted to be very careful about taking them and making sure I was testing the entire time).  I took it and nothing showed up on it at all, it was like a dud or something! I got dressed and an hour later right before we left I looked at it again and still nothing.   We left and came home about 5 hours later and I grabbed that test again to retake it, thinking I didn’t urinate on it well, and when I picked it up there were 2 red lines!!  I freaked out trying not to get excited because obviously the test malfunctioned, being that it didn’t develop in the allotted time it was supposed to develop in. 

Larry was taking the dogs outside and I ran out there freaking out telling him we have to go to Walgreens right away and get more pregnancy tests because this test is showing positive, but it took hours before anything developed on it!  So we went and got 4 more test and I took them all and they all showed POSITIVE!!   We were in disbelief and very very nervous.  We woke up super early the next day and waited at Dr. S’s office until they opened.  When they opened I begged the receptionist to get us an appointment and she did right away!  He did a blood test and put me on Neévo Prenatals and said he would call me as soon as he got the results of the blood test.  He called at 5:30 that day and said my HCG number was great and for me to go and get another blood test in 2 days.  I went and got my blood drawn and he called me right away and said everything looks perfect; my number is doubling the way it is supposed to. 

I knew when I got pregnant I would be very nervous, but I didn’t know it would be this bad.  I am trying to relax, but every time I have to go to the bathroom, I almost cry when I wipe because I am so scared I will see blood.  Sometimes I go to the bathroom just to check and make sure!  I pray I can be more relaxed really soon. 

The really crazy thing is, I had a dream 6 days before I even took a pregnancy test and for 3 nights in a row I dreamed of me holding a baby on the couch and Larry walking in from work and the baby saying “da-da” and then we were trying to get the baby to say Peyton’s name and he would say it!  The next night I dreamed I went and picked up a baby boy from his crib and he was smiling and kicking and so excited to see me!  I really thought I was dreaming of Peyton finally because I haven’t been able to dream of him since he died.   

So needless to say, this was the first month we didn’t “TRY” to get pregnant, and now we are pregnant…..I guess when people say “stop trying” , that’s what they mean because there was only 1 night it could have happened, and low and behold, it did….LOL

This was the "dud" that took 5 hours to develop...   :)

It's that time of year again....

I know I haven’t updated my blog in a few weeks, but I have been so busy.  To start with I now have 2 jobs.  I have a job at a bar where I work just 2 nights a week for just 3 hours a night bartending and I just got hired on to be a decorating consultant for a flooring company.  I am still in training for that, but so far I love it! I also have met some of the most amazing people ever.  I really believe God has played a huge role in us meeting!  I haven’t laughed so hard since I lost Peyton, like I do when I am with her!  We will call her J.  J introduced me to her friend who also lost her baby.  Her baby actually lived for 23 days and was born at 25 weeks, I think. 

On another note, I am so worried about Thanksgiving and how I will handle it emotionally.  The only reason I am worried is because of how I reacted to Peyton not being here for my birthday.  I never expected to be that sad on my birthday.  So, now I am worried about Thanksgiving.  I volunteered to cook for everyone so I can make sure I am staying busy and I also am having my family come over the night before so we can chop the veggies and talk.  I hope this goes well! I am not pregnant again!  I actually was 6 days late and I really thought I might be, but I started Friday.  Talk about break your heart! 

Anyways, my family has just lost another loved one last Monday.  He was my great uncle.  My aunt (my uncles daughter, she is actually my cousin, but is the same age as my mom so I have always called her aunt.) had been taking care of him at her home for the last  6 months of his life.  He had Alzheimer’s that had gotten so bad just within the last month.  He went from being able to walk and talk and even saying Grace at dinner, to being bed ridden within a 2 week period.  He died very peacefully and we were all there around him at my aunt’s house.  We got to say the Rosary, Devine Mercy Chaplet and a lot of other prayers over him before he passed.  It was actually a very beautiful death –if death could be called beautiful- He was in his bed in his daughter’s house and had the 5 of us praying over him all day!  There were candles lit and a crucifix with Jesus and pictures of beautiful Saints and prayer cards all around him.  It was truly a very Holy death.   We had his funeral Friday and it was beautiful as well. 

Ok, back to some happier thoughts..  I wanted to share our Thanksgiving menu with you…

-Fried Turkey

-Baked Turkey

-Dressing (mom’s recipe)

-Green Bean Casserole

-Candied Yams

-Mashed potatoes

- Macaroni and Cheese

-Broccoli and Cheese Casserole

-Giblet Gravy

-Pecan Pies

-Sweet Tea

- “Beaujolais” Wine - It only comes out once a year at Thanksgiving time!

I am so excited and nervous at the same time!  The Monday after Thanksgiving I have an appointment with the Medi-Loss clinic!  I am very excited about getting this weight off!  My friend has lost 75 lbs. on this diet and I have a lot of other friends who are doing it!  One of our local Gynecologists got certified to do this diet down here and now everyone is on it!  The weight loss clinic has had a total weight loss of 6500 lbs. since they have been open in June.  It is incredible!  It is a very restrictive diet, but I am ready!  In my eyes, my weight is the only thing standing in the way of me getting pregnant.  I know everyone says it doesn’t have anything to do with getting pregnant, but in my mind it does!  I have had friends who are my size or bigger get pregnant with no problem, so I have no idea why I am thinking this will make it easier for me, but I really feel it will.  I think it is God prompting me to feel this way. 

I am up past my new bed time, so I better get going!  I am so excited and thankful I have 3 people following me now...

In Christ, Alisha

Learning to Trust

Well, I never expected my birthday to be as hard as it was.  I cried all day!  I kept thinking about how perfect my birthday was last year.  We had just found out I was pregnant and we were extremely happy.  This year was totally opposite.  I actually think I should have slept the entire day away instead of going through that.  I know God does not want me to be like this, but it is so hard not to be.  I know God isn't going to just forget about me, it's just believing that!  I know it, but it is hard to "let go and let God".  I feel that's what God is waiting for.  He wants me to put complete trust in Him, and to know He knows what I really need.  It reminds me of when a parent protects their child from getting hurt by something.  The child thinks the parent is so mean, but really the parents are just protecting the child from a bigger catastrophe.  I feel like we on earth are like those children.  We don't understand why God has done the things he has done, but we have to know that He knows what is best for us, and His will for us is perfect.  It is so hard to just trust in God.  You know you want to, but our flawed human nature holds us back from this.  This is what I have to work on the most, patience and trust.   

I am on day 10 of my cycle and I just finished a Novena to St. Gerard.  I pray this will be our month to get pregnant!  I think tomorrow I will start another Novena to St. Gianna. I am really hoping and praying hard! 

I am so not good at being disciplined!  I got off my diet for my birthday Friday, and I had started it back today, and then my cousin called me and begged to take me out to dinner tonight since she worked on my birthday.  I was going to be very good and stay on my diet, but I ended up drinking some Cabernet, eating some potatoes, and then I had…….are you ready for this…….Bailey’s infused walnut cranberry bread pudding!  Wow, it was pretty amazing, but I am so mad at myself now for not sticking to my diet!

On another note, I am in a difficult position because I have a friend who is in RCIA and she is also in the process of getting ready to have InVitro done.  Her husband had a vasectomy 8 years ago.  He has 1 son and she has no children, and now she wants to get pregnant.  The doctor told her there is too much scar tissue to get a reversal on his vasectomy, and if they wanted to achieve pregnancy In Vitro is their only option.  I have told her over and over about how it is wrong, why it is wrong, and how she is getting ready to enter into a church whose teaching is that it is an intrinsically evil act.  She doesn’t seem to care at all.  I explained to her that they will be fertilizing a lot of babies and that the babies will have souls the instant they are fertilized.  She said she understood that and that she would not kill the other ones, that she will “donate” them to other people who cannot have children!!!  I just think this is insane! I am desperate for a baby too, and I just went through the death of our first born son……and……. I don’t know if we will ever be able to get pregnant again, but you don’t see me jumping line to get In Vitro!  We all have a moral responsibility, and this isn’t like a “litter of puppies” and she gets to keep the best one and not worry where and who gets the other ones.  Blows- my- mind!  I am just wondering now, what is my moral obligation since I know she is in RCIA to enter the church and she is already going against the church’s teaching?

I am sponsoring my aunt who happens to be in the same RCIA class as my friend.  My friend is super excited about becoming a Catholic too, that’s what breaks my heart about this!  I want her to go talk to the priest about this, but I just know she would never do that.  I am friends with the RCIA instructor and I did tell her my dilemma and she said she would ask Father’s opinion on what to do about it.  I hate being in positions like this.  I wish I didn’t even know what she was doing, but I keep thinking maybe she told me because I am supposed to do something to talk her out of it, or get someone to talk to her about it…..  I don’t know, but I am so confused and worried about her future children that will be “DONATED”!!! 

I went to my painting party the other night and had a BLAST!  I just thought I would share what I painted! 

~Canvas and Cocktails~

I went to my doctor and had more labs drawn to see if my thyroid levels are in the normal range yet, and of course it still isn’t, but it’s not far away.  It was at 6 and it needs to be between 0.5 and 3.0.  - I don’t know if I have ever mentioned in my previous posts, but my thyroid is also huge! -  It is double the size of a normal thyroid.  I think it has gone down too since starting the Synthroid. My next appointment with Dr. F is in December.  I can’t wait to see normal lab work……hopefully!    

After we lost Peyton I lost about 30 lbs –it was definitely because of depression - but I have managed to gain 10 of it back.  I know a lot of it has to do with my thyroid, but I am also a stress eater. I have been trying to find a diet that I can start and stick with, and after reading so many great reviews about the G.I. Diet and how it can also help your fertility, I decided to start it.  Can I just say that I really love it!  I don’t care for any of the baked sweets or anything, but it still isn’t bad, and this diet is very doable!  Tonight I created my own recipe and it was really good!  My husband even liked it!  I sautéed some garlic and onions in a little EVOO and then added chunked up chicken, a bag of spinach, sliced portabellas, grated parmesan cheese, a little 100% whole wheat flour - for thickening, and  100% whole wheat spaghetti!  I then squeezed a lemon all over, salt and pepper, and a little drizzle more of EVOO!  AWESOME….I could not believe it turned out – I did not think it was going to be good to be completely honest!  

In another area of my life, I have been trying to get back into the reality of life and out of this cloud of depression I have been under for too long, so I found a little part time job working 2 days a week 3 hours a shift.  I know it is not a lot, but it helps.  I have been a bartender for 10 years, but I have not bartended for 2 of those ten, and this is what I am doing at this nice little steak house.  I like it so far, but I am also realizing that - I think my glory days of being a happy fun loving bartender, are over… I really wish I could be that person again because being that person means not having to have lost my baby.  Now, I am forever changed in every aspect of my life.  Don’t get me wrong, Peyton was the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I thank God for him every single day still!  The saying, “Better to have loved than not to have loved at all”, is totally true in every aspect, but I can say, without a doubt, that a huge piece of me died when Peyton died.  I am also getting good at when “THAT QUESTION” is going to be asked, especially since nobody knows me there.  That question being, “So, do you and your husband have any children Alisha”,  I know this is a very common question and I also have asked people this in the past, but now it is the most dreaded question ever! Not that I don’t want to talk about Peyton, but I don’t want to be the emotional talked about “new girl” either….LOL  I can just see me running full sprint into the bathroom –which is a one stall deal- and staying in there for hours trying to calm down - because that is so me!  I am getting to meet a lot of nice people.  The mayor of OS is in there all the time and so are a lot of our other local political people.  90% of the people are in there every night!  It’s just one of those upscale downtown lounges/restaurants. 

I am so excited about my birthday, which is Friday October 22.  I don’t know what we will do, or if Larry has anything planned for us, but tomorrow night is going to be an awesome “early birthday celebration!”  I managed to get 15 of my girlfriends together for a birthday get together at B.Y.O.Brush.  This place is so much fun!  What it basically is, is a painting party!  You get your friends and you bring bottles of wine (or whatever else you drink- I drink Cabernet) and some finger foods and the class begins! You paint, and I must say, I do not have an artistic bone in my body, but for some reason they teach you so good that you end up with a masterpiece every time, even people who thought they couldn’t draw a straight line can do this!  I have done it twice before and I had a blast!!!  Ok, here are the 2 paintings I have done there before…don’t laugh, but I really think  they are good considering I have never ever picked up a paint brush before!

Dove in the Clouds

I wanted to share this picture I took after I was leaving Eucharistic Adoration a few weeks ago.  I was in the chapel praying so hard about Peyton and our infertility problems, I also had said the Rosary, and when I walked outside and looked up this is what I saw:

The Dove represents peace and it's also the form the Holy Spirit took on a lot.  I think it was a sign for me to come to peace with all these things going on, and to know Peyton is okay.  I am always praying for signs and looking up at the stars at night for a shooting star.  But when I least expected a sign, I saw this amazing perfect Dove in the sky.  There was no other clouds hardly!  I knew this was a sign for me from God, or at least I felt that it was.   

We were in church last night and it was one of those Homilies that you felt the priest was talking directly to you and your situation, and he said we never know why we have to suffer, but God will always bring something great out of it, whether the suffering is the loss of a child, cancer, or whatever it may be.  He also told us a story about a little girl wanting a piece of cake and the mom kept offering her oil and raw eggs and flour and all these odd things, but when the little girl said, "Why are you offering me all these things and not letting me eat some cake?", the mom said, "All these ingredients make a cake, but you have to have them in order to get the chance to eat a delicious piece of cake." 

I know it sounds like a strange thing to hit home with, but for some reason it did.  It made since.  I have to go through the labor of making the cake before I can enjoy it.  I can't help to wonder how many ingredients I have left...... LOL

Steve Ray!!

This morning I actually woke up feeling happy!  I know it was because one of my favorite Catholic Apologist, Steve Ray came to one of our local Parishes.  He gave 3 talks, 2 on Mary and the other talk on Moses.  He was so amazing, and I learned so much from him. I’ll post the pictures from today when I upload them from my camera!

One thing he talked about, that I found so neat, is where we get Novenas from.  It was in the Upper Room after Christ had ascended into Heaven, and Mary and the disciples were in the Upper Room praying.  They stayed there and prayed for 9 days, and on the 10th day is when the Holy Spirit descended on them and the Church was born, hence Pentecost!  Still today, whenever we say a novena, we are declaring that same awesome desire to wait for the promise, persevering with confidence until the end.  I never realized that was where our Novenas come from. 

I also went walking again on the beach tonight. This is the 4^th time this week!  I have been trying to do this and lose my baby weight from Peyton. I did good losing almost 30 lbs right after he was born, mainly because I was too depressed to eat, but here lately I have been an emotional eater and have gained 10 of those lbs back (I’m also sure my thyroid had a role to play in the weight gain too)!  I gained about, if I’m going to be honest, 45 lbs with him.  But I want to lose about 60 lbs!  I would be so happy if I could do that!  I have struggled with my weight since I was in my early twenties.  Why is it so hard to diet? 

In the fertility world, today and yesterday I had peak fertility mucus! I was a little confused though because my temps have been so haywire ever since starting the Synthroid for my Hypothyroidism.  Usually when I was in my follicular phase, before Synthroid, my temps were 97.1 - 97.3 and never any higher until ovulation.  Well now my temps have been up anywhere from 97.0 – 97.8 and I’m only on day 14 of my cycle.  This morning it was 97.0.  I don’t know if my body is trying to level out my thyroid hormones or not, but I hope my temps go and stay up from now, until my next cycle.  I just want to make sure I’m ovulating since they have started me on this medicine.

Ok, well I guess I better get off here and say my prayers/Rosary and go to bed because we have our niece’s birthday party to go to.  It’s so sad when we are ALWAYS the only people there with no children!  I guess this is our very heavy cross!

~Alisha

My First Blog Post

Well, this is my first blog post!  I am very excited about it and I am also a little nervous too because I do not have a clue how it works all the way, but I am sure I will figure it out.  I decided to start a blog because I need a place to vent and to hopefully help me through all the things I have had happen recently.  A little background about me is I was born and raised in South Mississippi.  We live right on the coast and I love it.  My husband and I have been together almost 13 years and been married for 4 of those years. We met at a casino we both worked at valeting cars. I might add that it was such a fun job and we made lifelong friends there. We were married September 9, 2006 and I couldn’t be any happier to have him as my husband. 

I have 2 sisters, Rachalle Lauren 27 and Lauren Ashley 14.  My little sister Rachalle is severely mentally handicapped, but she is the reason I am the person I am today.  She is so perfect to me and I wouldn’t have her any other way. My other sister Lauren is also such an amazing person.  She is so smart and I hope her dreams come true.  I am so proud at who she has become already in her small life.  She knows her faith and loves God and has the biggest heart ever!  My mom and I are so close.  She is my best friend I can tell her anything and I thank God he placed me with her because I don’t think I could make it in this life without her. My dad passed away in 2007 and I miss him so much! He is the father of Rachalle and me.  Lauren’s dad is my stepfather who I also love very much.   

Okay, now for the reason I am here.  My husband and I wanted children from the first day we were married and immediately started trying.  I started to get worried after 6 months and no baby, but we kept trying because everything I read online says to at least try for a year before seeking fertility help, so we did.  After a year and still no pregnancy I went to the doctor and I checked out fine, but my husband didn’t.  He was diagnosed with a varicocele and would need surgery to remove it.  It’s not that we couldn’t get pregnant on our own, but it would just be a little harder since the varicocele was affecting the morphology of the “swimmers” (LOL).  So the surgery was the best option. 

We would have got the surgery right then, but we were waiting for his company’s insurance enrollment to start up again (which was 11 months from when we found out) so we kept trying still until we were able to switch over.  I ended up getting on with a company in 2008 that was working hurricane catastrophe claims, and when Hurricane Ike hit in Texas I was working out of Mobile, AL (an hour away from my house) and I was working 6 to7 days a week 10 to 12 hours a day for  almost a year, I know, insane!  So we just waited until all the stress of work was over before trying to get the surgery.

Low and behold, I got pregnant on our 3^rd wedding anniversary!  No surgery or anything (I did lose 40 lbs. though) you could not imagine how happy I was to see a positive pregnancy test and not a negative one (everyone with fertility issues knows what I’m talking about).  We immediately told everyone!  If there was a way to measure happiness, we would have tipped the scales! I was actually in disbelief and would go and get pregnancy test all the time the first 10 weeks I was pregnant because I just couldn’t believe it!!  After 3 years of trying God finally blessed us!  I was so happy too because being a Catholic we are very limited on what is morally acceptable when it comes to fertility, and rightly so. 

At four months pregnant we found out we were having a little boy!  We named him Peyton Gabriel.  What a huge blessing!  I looked forward to every doctor’s visit!  Larry never missed one either! We had our baby shower on March 14^th, 2010.  I was 8 weeks away from my due date.  We had everything!  Our shower was absolutely beautiful!! We had about 80 people at it and it was one the prettiest days (no humidity here in Mississippi is in itself a blessing!). The next day we got up and went to return all of the things we had received more than one of.  We still needed a car seat and a stroller, so with the gift certificates that’s what we got. It was so cute, Eddie Bauer blue plaid set! Larry’s dad came Tuesday and dropped off his gift for Peyton and it was the matching Eddie Bauer Play-yard!  Larry put it together instantly!  We loved it so much and were SOOO thankful for everything!

That Tuesday was so strange.  I remember waking up and I thought I felt Peyton moving.  I went through the day cleaning and getting everything sanitized and ready for Peyton’s arrival.  I invited Larry’s sister over too because she was pregnant also (she was 3 weeks ahead of me).  I made dinner and we were sitting around talking and I was feeling my stomach for Peyton to kick me (he was very active) and he wasn’t. I started to get worried because I only remembered him kicking that morning, or at least I thought I did.  When I was about 3 months pregnant I got a cheap Doppler from Amazon because I was so paranoid about something happening and I knew as long as I could hear his heartbeat I would be relieved.  So I put the Doppler to my stomach and heard nothing!  I was scared to death, but was then thinking maybe he just moved into a weird position, or the batteries were low, or something.  I tell Larry we have to go to the hospital.

We pulled into the hospital at about 11pm. They checked me in and sent me upstairs to be monitored.   That’s when I freaked.  She could not find Peyton’s heartbeat!  She said, “Don’t worry; sometimes these things happen to where we can’t hear anything, but just to be safe we are going to call your doctor to do an ultrasound.”  I was thinking –why are they calling my doctor to do an ultrasound at midnight and why can’t they call an ultrasound person on duty to do it- I knew something wasn’t right.  I was in a room when doctor S came in about 20 minutes later and they had an ultrasound machine sent up to the room.  He set it up and started rolling the wand over my stomach, and then I saw his head drop.  He said, “I’m so sorry Alisha and Larry there’s no heartbeat.”  We were all crying Dr S the nurse and me and Larry.  It was absolutely an indescribable feeling.  Like a void. I know a piece of me died when Peyton died.   

We left there that night and decided to wait to the next night to get prepared for the delivery.  We went straight from the hospital to our local parish where they have a 24 hour Eucharistic Adoration.  We were the only ones there and we just cried and cried! We then went home and of course could not sleep.  Our entire family was with us every step of the way.  We went in the next night at 11pm to start inducing me. I was in labor for 36 hours and finally gave birth to my beautiful son March 19, 2010.  He was 16 ¼ inches long, weighed 3.2 lbs. and had dark curly hair.  He was PERFECT! 

His umbilical cord had wrapped around his leg so many times that every time he would kick it was pulling away from his belly button.  The doctor said it was one of the rarest ways a baby could die in the womb.  We had his funeral March 22.  The church was full and it was beautiful.  He was loved by everyone so much already! I can’t believe we just had his baby shower 6 days before.  I am not emotionally right at all since this has happened. I miss him so much and I am constantly talking to my little Saint all the time. 

On top of all this we are now dealing with “trying” again.  It has been 6 months and Larry did go and get the surgery about 5 months ago that way it will be easier for us, but it still hasn’t happened.  I was also been diagnosed with hypothyroidism about 2 months ago.  I have been charting my BBT and cervical mucus.  I’m praying we will get pregnant soon!

This has been the longest post in history I’m sure!  I know it will probably be the longest one I will ever post…..
~Alisha