Stressed and homesick

I secretly hate this lifestyle of travel nursing that we have had no choice but to choose. We are so homesick!  I have all these questions that seem to never stop in my head: 

Why does life have to be so hard?  

Why does money have to be the sole rule in your life? 

Why did we have to lose Peyton?

Why did Larry have to have the worse preceptor in CRNA school who hated him and got him removed, just months away from graduating?  

I feel like we are good people, and I just don't understand why these things keep happening to us!  I just want to be home, in my house, with my furniture!   I am so sick of traveling and having to uproot my two year old daughter every couple months, and then having to explain to her we have a new house now.  She is so confused. I hate to be such a negative nelly on this post.  I am just so lost.  I used to have such a blessed beautiful faith! I prayed all the time, NEVER missed church, I was always saying a Novena, I never cursed, I felt something at almost every Mass. Now I am overwhelmed, and stress has consumed my life.  I feel like I don't have a relationship with God anymore. I feel like I've let Him down, never trusting that he has our life under control.  I'm so confused.  We just moved lastnight into a newer place than where we were.  I like it a lot better and it has a washer and dryer "inside" the unit. We were up till really early this morning moving. Maybe exhaustion has got the best of me.  

My little Gianna Gabriella!

I haven't updated in a while because I feel like I'm more ADD than ever, since having Gia. Lol I feel like I'm in a fog all day long!  Maybe it's just being a mom?! I've had my thyroid checked and it's in normal range on the Synthroid now. 

 I have enjoyed my little bundle of beautiful joy so much!  She is attached to my hip for sure!  We are living in Dallas temporarily while Larry is travel nursing. Gianna and I decide to tag along.  His next contract will be in California!  I'm not really excited about being 'that' far from home.  In Dallas we are only 9 hour drive from home, but California will be 30 something hours!! A huge difference.  Also, I'm a little nervous about the radiation in the water from Fukushima (I'm not crazy I swear... LOL). 

Amount other things on my mind is - I've chosen to not vaccinate Gianna yet.  I told myself I wanted to wait until she is 3 and vaccinate, but now that her age is approaching 3 in 5 months, I am seriously still not wanting to do it!  I don't know why I am so paranoid of everything.  I guess it has to do with losing a child.  Maybe I have some PTSD from losing Peyton. Well I actually know I do!   

I need to go grocery shopping, but here are some photos of my angel "Gia" 

Chocolate pudding monster!!

Couldn't find my dish drain stopper..... It was on Gia's kitchen!!!  BAHAHAHAHA love these little memories!!! 

Updates.. Been a long time

It's been a long time since I have posted anything. I have a lot of stuff to add to this blog about everything that has happened and about my unfortunate battle with postpartum depression. I will update soon, but for now I wanted to add some pics of our new addition, Gianna Gabriella "Gia". She is 11 weeks now!!!

WOW!!

I haven’t been on here in a while, but I’ll explain why…..

I started a weight loss program called Medi-Weight loss and you are physician supervised once a week because it is a very restrictive diet (500 - 750 calories a day of protein and 1 cup of veggies and 1 cup a fruit a day) and you are also on diet pills called Phentermine.  I did so well on it.  I lost 18 pounds in 3 weeks!  My blood pressure went down a lot, which was good because I had borderline high BP. 

So I started my period on November 19^th and started the diet on November 30^th.  On Saturday December 18^th I had a little spotting of brownish color and assumed it was my period coming. I was waiting on my period to start the rest of that day and it never did.  When I woke up Sunday I was waiting all day for it and it still never came.  My little sister had a piano recital before we went to Mass that day and so I thought I would take a pregnancy test(First Response) before we left (with me being on those diet pills I wanted to be very careful about taking them and making sure I was testing the entire time).  I took it and nothing showed up on it at all, it was like a dud or something! I got dressed and an hour later right before we left I looked at it again and still nothing.   We left and came home about 5 hours later and I grabbed that test again to retake it, thinking I didn’t urinate on it well, and when I picked it up there were 2 red lines!!  I freaked out trying not to get excited because obviously the test malfunctioned, being that it didn’t develop in the allotted time it was supposed to develop in. 

Larry was taking the dogs outside and I ran out there freaking out telling him we have to go to Walgreens right away and get more pregnancy tests because this test is showing positive, but it took hours before anything developed on it!  So we went and got 4 more test and I took them all and they all showed POSITIVE!!   We were in disbelief and very very nervous.  We woke up super early the next day and waited at Dr. S’s office until they opened.  When they opened I begged the receptionist to get us an appointment and she did right away!  He did a blood test and put me on Neévo Prenatals and said he would call me as soon as he got the results of the blood test.  He called at 5:30 that day and said my HCG number was great and for me to go and get another blood test in 2 days.  I went and got my blood drawn and he called me right away and said everything looks perfect; my number is doubling the way it is supposed to. 

I knew when I got pregnant I would be very nervous, but I didn’t know it would be this bad.  I am trying to relax, but every time I have to go to the bathroom, I almost cry when I wipe because I am so scared I will see blood.  Sometimes I go to the bathroom just to check and make sure!  I pray I can be more relaxed really soon. 

The really crazy thing is, I had a dream 6 days before I even took a pregnancy test and for 3 nights in a row I dreamed of me holding a baby on the couch and Larry walking in from work and the baby saying “da-da” and then we were trying to get the baby to say Peyton’s name and he would say it!  The next night I dreamed I went and picked up a baby boy from his crib and he was smiling and kicking and so excited to see me!  I really thought I was dreaming of Peyton finally because I haven’t been able to dream of him since he died.   

So needless to say, this was the first month we didn’t “TRY” to get pregnant, and now we are pregnant…..I guess when people say “stop trying” , that’s what they mean because there was only 1 night it could have happened, and low and behold, it did….LOL

This was the "dud" that took 5 hours to develop...   :)

It's that time of year again....

I know I haven’t updated my blog in a few weeks, but I have been so busy.  To start with I now have 2 jobs.  I have a job at a bar where I work just 2 nights a week for just 3 hours a night bartending and I just got hired on to be a decorating consultant for a flooring company.  I am still in training for that, but so far I love it! I also have met some of the most amazing people ever.  I really believe God has played a huge role in us meeting!  I haven’t laughed so hard since I lost Peyton, like I do when I am with her!  We will call her J.  J introduced me to her friend who also lost her baby.  Her baby actually lived for 23 days and was born at 25 weeks, I think. 

On another note, I am so worried about Thanksgiving and how I will handle it emotionally.  The only reason I am worried is because of how I reacted to Peyton not being here for my birthday.  I never expected to be that sad on my birthday.  So, now I am worried about Thanksgiving.  I volunteered to cook for everyone so I can make sure I am staying busy and I also am having my family come over the night before so we can chop the veggies and talk.  I hope this goes well! I am not pregnant again!  I actually was 6 days late and I really thought I might be, but I started Friday.  Talk about break your heart! 

Anyways, my family has just lost another loved one last Monday.  He was my great uncle.  My aunt (my uncles daughter, she is actually my cousin, but is the same age as my mom so I have always called her aunt.) had been taking care of him at her home for the last  6 months of his life.  He had Alzheimer’s that had gotten so bad just within the last month.  He went from being able to walk and talk and even saying Grace at dinner, to being bed ridden within a 2 week period.  He died very peacefully and we were all there around him at my aunt’s house.  We got to say the Rosary, Devine Mercy Chaplet and a lot of other prayers over him before he passed.  It was actually a very beautiful death –if death could be called beautiful- He was in his bed in his daughter’s house and had the 5 of us praying over him all day!  There were candles lit and a crucifix with Jesus and pictures of beautiful Saints and prayer cards all around him.  It was truly a very Holy death.   We had his funeral Friday and it was beautiful as well. 

Ok, back to some happier thoughts..  I wanted to share our Thanksgiving menu with you…

-Fried Turkey

-Baked Turkey

-Dressing (mom’s recipe)

-Green Bean Casserole

-Candied Yams

-Mashed potatoes

- Macaroni and Cheese

-Broccoli and Cheese Casserole

-Giblet Gravy

-Pecan Pies

-Sweet Tea

- “Beaujolais” Wine - It only comes out once a year at Thanksgiving time!

I am so excited and nervous at the same time!  The Monday after Thanksgiving I have an appointment with the Medi-Loss clinic!  I am very excited about getting this weight off!  My friend has lost 75 lbs. on this diet and I have a lot of other friends who are doing it!  One of our local Gynecologists got certified to do this diet down here and now everyone is on it!  The weight loss clinic has had a total weight loss of 6500 lbs. since they have been open in June.  It is incredible!  It is a very restrictive diet, but I am ready!  In my eyes, my weight is the only thing standing in the way of me getting pregnant.  I know everyone says it doesn’t have anything to do with getting pregnant, but in my mind it does!  I have had friends who are my size or bigger get pregnant with no problem, so I have no idea why I am thinking this will make it easier for me, but I really feel it will.  I think it is God prompting me to feel this way. 

I am up past my new bed time, so I better get going!  I am so excited and thankful I have 3 people following me now...

In Christ, Alisha

Learning to Trust

Well, I never expected my birthday to be as hard as it was.  I cried all day!  I kept thinking about how perfect my birthday was last year.  We had just found out I was pregnant and we were extremely happy.  This year was totally opposite.  I actually think I should have slept the entire day away instead of going through that.  I know God does not want me to be like this, but it is so hard not to be.  I know God isn't going to just forget about me, it's just believing that!  I know it, but it is hard to "let go and let God".  I feel that's what God is waiting for.  He wants me to put complete trust in Him, and to know He knows what I really need.  It reminds me of when a parent protects their child from getting hurt by something.  The child thinks the parent is so mean, but really the parents are just protecting the child from a bigger catastrophe.  I feel like we on earth are like those children.  We don't understand why God has done the things he has done, but we have to know that He knows what is best for us, and His will for us is perfect.  It is so hard to just trust in God.  You know you want to, but our flawed human nature holds us back from this.  This is what I have to work on the most, patience and trust.   

I am on day 10 of my cycle and I just finished a Novena to St. Gerard.  I pray this will be our month to get pregnant!  I think tomorrow I will start another Novena to St. Gianna. I am really hoping and praying hard! 

I am so not good at being disciplined!  I got off my diet for my birthday Friday, and I had started it back today, and then my cousin called me and begged to take me out to dinner tonight since she worked on my birthday.  I was going to be very good and stay on my diet, but I ended up drinking some Cabernet, eating some potatoes, and then I had…….are you ready for this…….Bailey’s infused walnut cranberry bread pudding!  Wow, it was pretty amazing, but I am so mad at myself now for not sticking to my diet!

On another note, I am in a difficult position because I have a friend who is in RCIA and she is also in the process of getting ready to have InVitro done.  Her husband had a vasectomy 8 years ago.  He has 1 son and she has no children, and now she wants to get pregnant.  The doctor told her there is too much scar tissue to get a reversal on his vasectomy, and if they wanted to achieve pregnancy In Vitro is their only option.  I have told her over and over about how it is wrong, why it is wrong, and how she is getting ready to enter into a church whose teaching is that it is an intrinsically evil act.  She doesn’t seem to care at all.  I explained to her that they will be fertilizing a lot of babies and that the babies will have souls the instant they are fertilized.  She said she understood that and that she would not kill the other ones, that she will “donate” them to other people who cannot have children!!!  I just think this is insane! I am desperate for a baby too, and I just went through the death of our first born son……and……. I don’t know if we will ever be able to get pregnant again, but you don’t see me jumping line to get In Vitro!  We all have a moral responsibility, and this isn’t like a “litter of puppies” and she gets to keep the best one and not worry where and who gets the other ones.  Blows- my- mind!  I am just wondering now, what is my moral obligation since I know she is in RCIA to enter the church and she is already going against the church’s teaching?

I am sponsoring my aunt who happens to be in the same RCIA class as my friend.  My friend is super excited about becoming a Catholic too, that’s what breaks my heart about this!  I want her to go talk to the priest about this, but I just know she would never do that.  I am friends with the RCIA instructor and I did tell her my dilemma and she said she would ask Father’s opinion on what to do about it.  I hate being in positions like this.  I wish I didn’t even know what she was doing, but I keep thinking maybe she told me because I am supposed to do something to talk her out of it, or get someone to talk to her about it…..  I don’t know, but I am so confused and worried about her future children that will be “DONATED”!!! 

I went to my painting party the other night and had a BLAST!  I just thought I would share what I painted! 

~Canvas and Cocktails~

I went to my doctor and had more labs drawn to see if my thyroid levels are in the normal range yet, and of course it still isn’t, but it’s not far away.  It was at 6 and it needs to be between 0.5 and 3.0.  - I don’t know if I have ever mentioned in my previous posts, but my thyroid is also huge! -  It is double the size of a normal thyroid.  I think it has gone down too since starting the Synthroid. My next appointment with Dr. F is in December.  I can’t wait to see normal lab work……hopefully!    

After we lost Peyton I lost about 30 lbs –it was definitely because of depression - but I have managed to gain 10 of it back.  I know a lot of it has to do with my thyroid, but I am also a stress eater. I have been trying to find a diet that I can start and stick with, and after reading so many great reviews about the G.I. Diet and how it can also help your fertility, I decided to start it.  Can I just say that I really love it!  I don’t care for any of the baked sweets or anything, but it still isn’t bad, and this diet is very doable!  Tonight I created my own recipe and it was really good!  My husband even liked it!  I sautéed some garlic and onions in a little EVOO and then added chunked up chicken, a bag of spinach, sliced portabellas, grated parmesan cheese, a little 100% whole wheat flour - for thickening, and  100% whole wheat spaghetti!  I then squeezed a lemon all over, salt and pepper, and a little drizzle more of EVOO!  AWESOME….I could not believe it turned out – I did not think it was going to be good to be completely honest!  

In another area of my life, I have been trying to get back into the reality of life and out of this cloud of depression I have been under for too long, so I found a little part time job working 2 days a week 3 hours a shift.  I know it is not a lot, but it helps.  I have been a bartender for 10 years, but I have not bartended for 2 of those ten, and this is what I am doing at this nice little steak house.  I like it so far, but I am also realizing that - I think my glory days of being a happy fun loving bartender, are over… I really wish I could be that person again because being that person means not having to have lost my baby.  Now, I am forever changed in every aspect of my life.  Don’t get me wrong, Peyton was the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I thank God for him every single day still!  The saying, “Better to have loved than not to have loved at all”, is totally true in every aspect, but I can say, without a doubt, that a huge piece of me died when Peyton died.  I am also getting good at when “THAT QUESTION” is going to be asked, especially since nobody knows me there.  That question being, “So, do you and your husband have any children Alisha”,  I know this is a very common question and I also have asked people this in the past, but now it is the most dreaded question ever! Not that I don’t want to talk about Peyton, but I don’t want to be the emotional talked about “new girl” either….LOL  I can just see me running full sprint into the bathroom –which is a one stall deal- and staying in there for hours trying to calm down - because that is so me!  I am getting to meet a lot of nice people.  The mayor of OS is in there all the time and so are a lot of our other local political people.  90% of the people are in there every night!  It’s just one of those upscale downtown lounges/restaurants. 

I am so excited about my birthday, which is Friday October 22.  I don’t know what we will do, or if Larry has anything planned for us, but tomorrow night is going to be an awesome “early birthday celebration!”  I managed to get 15 of my girlfriends together for a birthday get together at B.Y.O.Brush.  This place is so much fun!  What it basically is, is a painting party!  You get your friends and you bring bottles of wine (or whatever else you drink- I drink Cabernet) and some finger foods and the class begins! You paint, and I must say, I do not have an artistic bone in my body, but for some reason they teach you so good that you end up with a masterpiece every time, even people who thought they couldn’t draw a straight line can do this!  I have done it twice before and I had a blast!!!  Ok, here are the 2 paintings I have done there before…don’t laugh, but I really think  they are good considering I have never ever picked up a paint brush before!